Rejoining the World

After three days of physical and emotional hell, I'm starting to feel a bit more like my pre-surgery self. Yesterday was by far the worst. Guess all the angst I hadn't addressed over the past five years found an opportunity in my recent vulnerability. Confess that when I was told the "inhibitions" section of my brain was the area affected by these latest metastasis (forgot to mention surgeon found a second smaller tumour during surgery but felt a second craniotomy would be too much trauma so opted to have the radiation work its magic instead) I never thought that it would manifest as a rant that won't stop. Why couldn't I just be promiscuous or something like that? Would be a heck of a lot more fun if nothing else.


How to describe my recent mental state. Only clear thoughts were negative - all the things I should have done but didn't, all the negative things (real or perceived) that have been done or said to me over my lifetime, that sort of thing. No, there were no suicidal thoughts. Been there. Not in a hurry to return any time soon. What I really needed was a darn good cry. Can't remember when I last turned on the waterworks but once the tears started to flow I felt an instant sense of relief. But then I couldn't stop crying, and that was just as unsettling. The worst part was not being able to articulate what precisely was bothering me. Just a lot of pent up stress, angst and emotion I suppose. But I have to wonder why it picked now to come to the fore.

At least the clouds have started to part, even a little, and I'm seeing some semblance of light beyond.

Around a month ago, when I first learned of the metastasis to my brain, I requested some time to deal with the news and subsequent treatment on my own.

Previous experience breaking such news resulted in numerous phone calls from well-intentioned individuals who somehow thought telling me about all their friends who have been diagnosed with cancer (folks I don't know and am likely to never meet) would somehow help ease my stress. Or I would hear about someone else's hospital experience (seriously, what health care professional would send anyone home if they were at risk of contracting an infection - although they might prescribe anti-clotting agents) or surgical mishap. Others would rattle on about having similar pain e.g. in the back, yet make a miraculous recovery after winning a trip to a warmer clime. Then there were the folks who needed more consoling than I did, or somehow managed to punctuate every response I had to their questions with a tisk-tisk click of the tongue. I know all these comments were well-intentioned, but given I was entering the most vulnerable phase of my cancer journey thus far I really wasn't prepared to take on anyone else's angst or fears. Hence my request for no phone calls. I was, however, willing to accept written correspondences via post or email which I responded to when I was able. To those who opted for that route of communications who also realized that I was willing to talk about anything other than my illness, I offer my sincere thanks.

I am gradually getting past the recent dark period. I hope it permanently goes away but suspect that is a very faint hope. Even so, I'm doing everything in my power to return to the land of the living.

Roz and Penny came by Sunday and helped get me back on track by sorting out my meds (I was weaning off the dex far too quickly it turns out) and forced me to get out of the house. Both were things I couldn't seem to do on my own. I'm not feeling stable enough to drive right now, and am not keen on being around crowds of people lest I pick up a cold or flu or other bug. On the other hand, wallowing in a pity party for one has never been useful and cabin fever does little to boost the psyche.

I'm taking phone calls again, and seeing people individually or in small groups. Also starting to see some of the funny things that make life so wonderful - something I haven't been able to find in several weeks. And while I am not exactly swept up in the holiday hohoho, I am finding little ways to celebrate with family and close friends. In this no gift/no card-giving year, I'm more convinced than ever that it is the shared love and goodwill of that makes the season.